David Foster Wallace

I read this on some Internet meme ages ago, but it’s been buzzing around in the back of my head like an angry blister. Because obviously, angry blisters buzz. Don’t question me.

I’ve heard similar sentiments to the one above multiple times, in multiple places, from multiple sources. And I find said sentiments SO offensive. 

Sex and sexual intimacy are such personal, private things. And what’s more, “dating” or relationships are SO MUCH MORE than just sex. No one “owes” some kind of sexual act to another person. If a woman is uncomfortable performing oral sex, then there is NOTHING that can justify any kind of pressure put on her to do so. Saying that it’s wrong for a woman to refuse to do something is preposterous. You don’t know what reasons she might have or what she may have experienced to make her feel that way.

My first sexual experiences were non-consensual. As a result, I am extremely uncomfortable specifically with receiving and giving oral sex. But I have been pressured many, many times into giving oral sex. My partners more or less guilt-tripped me into giving head, because I “owed” it to them somehow — owed it to them solely because I was romantically involved with them. I’ve also been made to feel extraordinarily guilty for not enjoying it when it’s being “given” to me, as though I should apologize for not being able to fully appreciate their efforts. Never mind that they were fully aware that those kinds of acts remind me of fairly damaging experiences. And moreover, I don’t feel that just because this is the way I am, it somehow makes me less worthy or deserving of a relationship.

I’m not trying to make any of the said partners above to seem like bad people. They aren’t. Nor do I hold any kind of grudge. I know my apprehension regarding sex is uncommon and that sex is a normal, healthy part of being in a relationship. But it’s not the ONLY thing that matters in a relationship, and I feel very, very strongly that you should NEVER be “made” to do something  that you’re uncomfortable with, particularly in regards to your body, particularly by someone who is supposed to care about you.

Sex is about being connected emotionally and physically with another person. It is not about favours, about obligation, about putting notches in your belt. It’s about respect, about care, about compassion — about being together. As a woman, I don’t owe you head just because we’re dating. If anything, you should be fucking grateful you have a woman willing to be intimate with you at all, and you should respect the hell out of that.